DEAR HARRIETTE: I have been a nanny for the past decade, and I’ve cherished every moment of it because I love children.
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I have been patiently waiting to have my own some day because I wanted to find the right partner to have them with. I recently got engaged to a man I love dearly, but he is adamant that he doesn’t want children.
He is turning 50 soon and doesn’t want to have to raise babies now that he’s older. He says that for most people at 50, their children are moving out, not just being born.
I really love him and don’t want to have to separate, but having children is something I have always dreamed of and seen myself doing.
Do you believe that there is a way I will be able to convince him to have children of our own, or should I give in to his demands and just continue nannying?
— Time To Give Up
DEAR TIME TO GIVE UP: Given that you have gotten engaged to this man, you must believe that he is your soulmate. Sit with this for a moment. Is this man the one for you?
Life is filled with compromises, even for the luckiest of us. Can you live with this one?
It is unlikely that you can convince your fiance to change his mind about children. He was clear with you from the start about his desires, and you continued to date him and ultimately decided to commit to spending your life with him. That means that you are agreeing to honor this boundary. You should not continue to try to convince him otherwise or sneak and get pregnant.
Since you love children so much, nannying does sound like a way to be integral to children’s lives without bringing them home with you. Perhaps it is an ideal situation, given your circumstances. You have to dig deep on this one to see if you can happily live with the decision not to have children without resenting your husband. Otherwise, the relationship won’t work.
DEAR HARRIETTE: I reached out to my friend who is a stylist, seeking her help to style me for an important event. Even though I had other options, I chose to ask her so that I could support her business.
However, today, after discussing her rates, I realized that I simply can’t afford her services even with the “friend discount.”
I felt terrible to let her down and go to a different, more affordable stylist instead. My friend is hurt and feels that I don’t value her services.
How do I handle this?
— Can’t Afford Her
DEAR CAN’T AFFORD HER: Be upfront with your friend.
Tell her your intention was to work with her. Your inability to afford her services at her “friend rate” is real. It has nothing to do with whether you value her work; it is directly related to your budget and what you can afford to pay. You would never intentionally diminish her or her services, which is why you had to step away.
Tell her you will happily refer others to her, but today you cannot afford to hire her. The end.
Harriette Cole is a lifestylist and founder of DREAMLEAPERS, an initiative to help people access and activate their dreams. You can send questions to [email protected] or c/o Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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