Dear Amy: I am a 30-year-old woman. I’ve been with my fiancé for almost seven years.
When we first met, my hair was platinum blonde. Now that I am a hairstylist, I enjoy playing around with my hair color and have come to love dark blue. I’ve been blue for a few years now and it didn’t seem like a big deal.
Yesterday, my fiancé broke the news to me that his parents are refusing to pay for the wedding venue if my hair is anything except my natural color.
I was completely taken aback.
There’s a laundry list: They don’t approve of my tattoos, my recent weight gain due to some serious health issues (I had discussed my health problems privately with his mother), and that I’m not making as much money as I should be (hairstylists are struggling right now because we’re in a recession)!
This family has been loving toward me this entire relationship, and all of a sudden I’ve found out how they really feel.
I feel completely crushed.
They were too cowardly to talk to me about their objections and instead, put their son into a tough position. I’m angry.
His mom has been extremely apologetic to me (through text), but I honestly don’t want anything to do with them.
My fiancé feels the same way. It’s to the point that we’re about to elope without telling anyone.
Is it wrong of me to stand my ground and say no to his parents?
I appreciate them helping out with the wedding, but I don’t want the help if they have stipulations.
I need some insight from an outside source, thank you!
– Feeling Blue
Dear Feeling Blue: First, you should review your fiance’s motivations for repeating these things to you, and determine whether these unkind assessments reflect only his folks’ views. (He could have kept some of these comments to himself.)
You may think that your future in-laws should address these complaints directly to you, but I think they should keep their multiple opinions about you entirely to themselves.
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Unless you are unethical, dangerous or in an unhealthy relationship with their son, there is simply no legitimate reason for them to share any negative views about you to anyone.
Surely they knew that your fiancé would tell you at least some of what they’d said. Tying their financial support to your hair color virtually guaranteed this.
Given that they’ve opened the floodgates, I agree that you and your fiancé should re-plan your wedding to one that reflects the two of you and which you can afford.
His parents have some work to do to repair the hurt they’ve caused. In my view, this would take more than texted apologies.
I hope you will be open to their efforts to make things right, but the burden is on them to do so.
Dear Amy: For the last 19 years, my husband and I have hosted out-of-town guests (my stepson and daughter-in-law) for the entire Thanksgiving week.
I am now 77 and my husband is 81 years old. We are tired.
While we can still handle Thanksgiving dinner, the prospect of having guests the entire week is exhausting.
These guests see the week as their “vacation,” and my daughter-in-law, who is 60 years old, has never made a turkey in her life, so she has no clue as to the amount of work involved.
We have been told that they will be visiting again for the entire week this Thanksgiving. How do we handle this?
– Exhausted and Worn Out
Dear Exhausted: Your question is one of dozens I’ve received over the past few weeks, all on the same theme: How to pull the plug on holiday hosting.
Please – be completely frank with this couple. Tell them you’d like to cook and host dinner, and suggest a nearby place for them to stay so you can still spend time with them without hosting them at your house.
Offer to show your daughter-in-law your turkey technique.
And now, a public service announcement to families: Review your holiday habits. Ask your aging or elderly parents and family members if the regular holiday routine works for them. And – please – give them a break.
Dear Amy: Although it is hopefully obvious to adults, you might have reminded “Teen With No Experience” that by postponing sex, she does not have to worry about pregnancy, STDs, emotional turmoil, etc.
– RJ
Dear RJ: Chastity does postpone (but does not always avoid) the stress and turmoil that inevitably follows.
You can email Amy Dickinson at [email protected] or send a letter to Ask Amy, P.O. Box 194, Freeville, NY 13068. You can also follow her on Twitter @askingamy or Facebook.
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